Since the beginning of my senior year I wrote about being in disbelief that high school was actually ending in a few short months. But, I was optimistic about the possibility of the “real world”. I was always offended when people would say to me “oh, once you’re out of high school, the real world begins!” because I thought I already knew it. To some degree, I did. I worked a sucky job (still do!), ran errands, paid my own way for things such as food and clothes and activities. I didn’t spend my weekends partying hardy and living off my parents. And, I still don’t do any of that.
However, the thought of actually moving on completely is horribly scary. I would always say how I’m looking forward to just going to school for a few classes and working. It’d be lame, but it would be a life. I’ve already gotten a taste of that this summer. It blows. Majorly. I want to have fun. I want a new job, I want to work new hours.
While my friends are off to camp, traveling around the world, or hanging out with various other friends … I’m working or sleeping, because work has totally fucked over my natural sleep schedule.
Tony got back from UCF orientation the other day. After 12 hours on campus, countless lectures and demonstrations, you’d think he’d be sick of the place. But honestly, I haven’t seen him this excited in a long time. He was beaming. He’s so excited to get started. He wants to spend his days on campus, an 8 hour day like school, studying in their five story library between classes. He wants to join band (and he should!). He has his membership card which he wouldn’t stop showing off (aww) and is even considering living on campus sophomore year. I’m so happy for him. He’s really excited and he has a really promising future. But where does that leave me?
During his hours of studying and goofing off with friends, late night practices and games, I’ll be stuck at home. Working, going to community college, and being lame. I’m terrified. While he’s out there meeting people (oh, and 2 of my other friends will be going there as well.) I’m going to be stuck in some lame ass place dealing with shitty people who want to tell me how to run my sucky job. All my friends are going to nice universities. They’re going to have football teams to cheer for, tailgating parties to go to, new friends to meet, campus parties … and I’m not.
I’ve never really minded being lame … until now.
I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. My life is fine. Despite any “imperfections” I am a lucky child. Sure, I don’t get the perks of a million dollar beach condo or $50,000 car or my parents money, but I wouldn’t want that. And I know those kids don’t have a close relationship with their parents or the responsibility that I have. I’m proud to be above the “norm” that existed at my school. I have a home, a family that cares for me, a car to drive, and the ability to be myself and not make excuses for it. I am a lucky person, so I feel ridiculous being upset about this. My life is fine and I’m acting like a brat.
But what will dwelling on this do? Nothing!
I’ve had way too many days indoors and with my thoughts. It’s dangerous. It always has been .I remember stating how much I enjoyed marching season because I was “too busy too think.”
I analyze too much and I look to the future to make plans. I try to organize everything. I need to start living more in the present. Ooh … how cliché of me. Hah.
Once I start school, get some classes underway, I want to look for an internship. I’ve never been one for sitting on my ass. I’m not going to let this get the better of me. I always say I have it “planned it” or I’m “good to go”. For the first time, I’m not. I’m not totally sure what I want. I do know, however, that I want a passion. I want something that is going to make me happy. I need to find it.
I don’t even know if any of this made sense.
I’m so happy for my friends.
I’m terrified I’m going to get left behind. I always feel that I’m just the tag-along friend. I’m kind of there, kind of loud, and kind of silly. I can be replaced though. It’s not that anyone has made me feel this way … it’s just the way I’ve always felt.
I always need constant assurance. I need self confidence. And I need to work on myself.
I hope this doesn’t sound like a typical, whiny, “I hate my life” teenage angst journal.
I really am a happy person, and I am lucky for what I have.
These “problems” are something I’m struggling to face myself. I need to fix myself, get a better grip on who I am and what I want.
I’ll be ok. I always am.
:)